a go.

She told me it was too much to bear

We sat quietly and motionless,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

It was a stormy night, cold and eerie,

The cats and dogs were unaware,

She told me it was too much to bear

I sipped my tea and read my book,

I looked as if i was cold,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

She sat there, silent and knitting,

The kitten was cuddling asleep,

She told me it was too much to bear,

The rain and storm made things worst,

The blankets and laundry was damp,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

The cottage was cosy and rosy,

Before reality and dreams began knotting,

She told me it was too much to bear,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

shall not

tell you what you do not want to hear,

let you know,

i am still who i am not

it is tough,

a nut,

shell the shell,

strip my pride,

pay the price,

i promise i wont cry,

but i cant smile,

i do not know,

maybe its meant for you,

but, i cant tell you,

what i think,

because i aint that noble,

i aint that nice,

its the thought that counts,

but i think the calculator does a better job,

dont count on me,

i will let you down,

i can pick up up,

i can help you stand,

but there is a but,

you dont need to know my stand,

you,

i cant,

i am in no position,

no footing,

no right,

left unheard,

i,

do 

not 

think

it 

counts,

like how it is swift,

the wind,

you know its there,

but, it cant speak for itself,

tell me when you are ready.

just click

i knew, i knew

I sat there, wondering.

I knew this day would come, Only better, 

Then it came creeping, bright sun, clouds and the lawn,  

It was surely, 

better that i thought it would, 

Then, 

came a surprise, 

just as i anticipated, 

of the unknown, 

but knowingly, 

as if people could be happier, 

i knew, i knew,  

It was it, 

Just what was missing, 

i cannot comprehend the possibilities, 

just like you told me you would.  

i doubt trust is reliable, 

i do not know, 

i am able, 

to be, 

what i thought i couldnt, 

it aint true,

this is where it all started.

when my ego matched my thoughts,

when what i did was exactly what i felt.

and i still aint

what you think you arent.

Kiss-and-tell

To love, with disgust.

lots of them,

The love among them,

terrific,

almost splendid.

They fed each other poison,

loved with their guts,

if only they could exchange gifts,

that of the scent of wreaths.

i am okay,

The tongue,

the gestures,

the glance, 

the stare,

the glare,

the eyes,

you know its definitely,

love.

much of it.

the thought of it,

the sight of it,

the sound of that chaos,

i listen with disgust,

when they squabble of x.

the unknown.

for the unknown.

fight,

eat,

kill,

laugh,

slaughter,

giggle,

suicide

tease,

smile,

die.

its not the end.

of the x.

of the return.

of the run,

of the race,

of the rats.

the ruins.

the reunion.

of the runny yolks.

the charred hearts.

the blurred vision.

i am okay,

but i shall wash myself clean.

of the soil.

the ketchup stain,

the uncleared mess.

i rest my case.

With guns and bruises,

   tn ereffid ni.

care by paying taxes.

Sometimes i wonder,

whether i am who i was.

then, i realised,

i may be someone whom i forgot who i really was.

never mind about the identity crisis.

i think i am having fun,

. . .

its been a long time since i figured. 

long time since i realised.

its a nice feeling,

sometimes,

to be lost in translation.

its okay,

i dont care,

cos its so taxing.

"Life is like a ferris wheel" (FOB, 2009).

The day before, i was so thirsty, after frogging because i forgot my bottle, and i didnt have enough coins to get a drink from the vending machine.

then, i was so hungry, because i woke up too early, and it was too late for breakfast and too early for lunch,

then when i was sitting at home yesterday, i heard a child crying her hearts out,
dying to be heard,

when i was at the traffic lights, i waited, and waited, for 2 batches of cars to see the green light before i got to cross the road.it was one long wait.

i do not know.
i was hungry, i was thirsty, she cried, i waited.

it was all physical.
almost emotional,
nothing spiritual.

i want that thirst,
that kind of hunger,
the plea, the cry,
the long wait.

i want to drink
i want to be filled.
i want to be see,
i want the wait to end.

to see Him.


wait for it.

last summer

Things that were supposed to happen this summer.
go somewhere cool.
get a job, to get some bucks.
laze and loaf.
stay in singapore and not go home so often

Things that actually happened.
went to many cool places,
i realised it was the people, instead of the place. didnt go really far, but went really far, with people, had many talks, havent got enough though. got to realised many things, about people.
decided to ditch the job, for more quality time with myself and give myself the "avail" freedom.
and found cheap thrills, all within budget.
lazed and loafed, and had tonnes of fun.
stayed in singapore quite abit, for the sake of the Poles (http://thepursuitofanurans2.blogspot.com/). Made 42 new friends.


went home more often than i anticipated.

wander war, wonderwall

do,

what makes me less grouchy,

undo what makes the me mean,

inappropriate,

less deserving,

more annoying,

less forgiving,

more allowing,

lest,

compelling and meek.

the power of the meek.

the meekness of power.

i need to learn.

totally,

by facing,

and not backing.

i wish i could run,

and not turn back,

like this chinese proverb Cat taught me when i was an angsty kid,

which i liked so much.

about rainbows and clouds,

about living, 

and leaving no carbon trace,

of the inorganic life, yet of isotopes of that element.

not as common as i want it be to.

boring, 

i rather.

sometimes.

more common than a commoner.

come on,

what's with being common?

not normally, 

but on the same ground.

at least not what that leaves me lying on the floor (T.F., 2008).

'we don't have anything in common' (Anon, n.d.).

complementary could be the other C,

but if 

only if i was more,

compassionate,

i would say,

but i am common,

'come on' (H.I.M.Y.M., date unknown).

it eats me inside out.

to be unable to accept,

the fact that you are like this.

...

i wish i was care-less,

of your careless words,

and say,

i REALLY don't care.

'cos i do.

trapped, like carajitos,

like that stain on that white tee,

conscious might do it.

conscious effort,

for a common ground.

in times, on time

how low? 

how long?

as low. as long. as i shall live.

is it?

ain't it?

can't it?

I am it.

for whom?

till when?

till then, for Him.

I will,

try.

i wont,

give.

down yes,

up no.

it can.

if not,

can it.

lost and insecure,

you found me.

i was lost and now FOUND.