a go.

She told me it was too much to bear

We sat quietly and motionless,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

It was a stormy night, cold and eerie,

The cats and dogs were unaware,

She told me it was too much to bear

I sipped my tea and read my book,

I looked as if i was cold,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

She sat there, silent and knitting,

The kitten was cuddling asleep,

She told me it was too much to bear,

The rain and storm made things worst,

The blankets and laundry was damp,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

The cottage was cosy and rosy,

Before reality and dreams began knotting,

She told me it was too much to bear,

I ain't no one who can show i care,

shall not

tell you what you do not want to hear,

let you know,

i am still who i am not

it is tough,

a nut,

shell the shell,

strip my pride,

pay the price,

i promise i wont cry,

but i cant smile,

i do not know,

maybe its meant for you,

but, i cant tell you,

what i think,

because i aint that noble,

i aint that nice,

its the thought that counts,

but i think the calculator does a better job,

dont count on me,

i will let you down,

i can pick up up,

i can help you stand,

but there is a but,

you dont need to know my stand,

you,

i cant,

i am in no position,

no footing,

no right,

left unheard,

i,

do 

not 

think

it 

counts,

like how it is swift,

the wind,

you know its there,

but, it cant speak for itself,

tell me when you are ready.

just click

i knew, i knew

I sat there, wondering.

I knew this day would come, Only better, 

Then it came creeping, bright sun, clouds and the lawn,  

It was surely, 

better that i thought it would, 

Then, 

came a surprise, 

just as i anticipated, 

of the unknown, 

but knowingly, 

as if people could be happier, 

i knew, i knew,  

It was it, 

Just what was missing, 

i cannot comprehend the possibilities, 

just like you told me you would.  

i doubt trust is reliable, 

i do not know, 

i am able, 

to be, 

what i thought i couldnt, 

it aint true,

this is where it all started.

when my ego matched my thoughts,

when what i did was exactly what i felt.

and i still aint

what you think you arent.

Kiss-and-tell

To love, with disgust.

lots of them,

The love among them,

terrific,

almost splendid.

They fed each other poison,

loved with their guts,

if only they could exchange gifts,

that of the scent of wreaths.

i am okay,

The tongue,

the gestures,

the glance, 

the stare,

the glare,

the eyes,

you know its definitely,

love.

much of it.

the thought of it,

the sight of it,

the sound of that chaos,

i listen with disgust,

when they squabble of x.

the unknown.

for the unknown.

fight,

eat,

kill,

laugh,

slaughter,

giggle,

suicide

tease,

smile,

die.

its not the end.

of the x.

of the return.

of the run,

of the race,

of the rats.

the ruins.

the reunion.

of the runny yolks.

the charred hearts.

the blurred vision.

i am okay,

but i shall wash myself clean.

of the soil.

the ketchup stain,

the uncleared mess.

i rest my case.

With guns and bruises,

   tn ereffid ni.

care by paying taxes.

Sometimes i wonder,

whether i am who i was.

then, i realised,

i may be someone whom i forgot who i really was.

never mind about the identity crisis.

i think i am having fun,

. . .

its been a long time since i figured. 

long time since i realised.

its a nice feeling,

sometimes,

to be lost in translation.

its okay,

i dont care,

cos its so taxing.

"Life is like a ferris wheel" (FOB, 2009).

The day before, i was so thirsty, after frogging because i forgot my bottle, and i didnt have enough coins to get a drink from the vending machine.

then, i was so hungry, because i woke up too early, and it was too late for breakfast and too early for lunch,

then when i was sitting at home yesterday, i heard a child crying her hearts out,
dying to be heard,

when i was at the traffic lights, i waited, and waited, for 2 batches of cars to see the green light before i got to cross the road.it was one long wait.

i do not know.
i was hungry, i was thirsty, she cried, i waited.

it was all physical.
almost emotional,
nothing spiritual.

i want that thirst,
that kind of hunger,
the plea, the cry,
the long wait.

i want to drink
i want to be filled.
i want to be see,
i want the wait to end.

to see Him.


wait for it.

last summer

Things that were supposed to happen this summer.
go somewhere cool.
get a job, to get some bucks.
laze and loaf.
stay in singapore and not go home so often

Things that actually happened.
went to many cool places,
i realised it was the people, instead of the place. didnt go really far, but went really far, with people, had many talks, havent got enough though. got to realised many things, about people.
decided to ditch the job, for more quality time with myself and give myself the "avail" freedom.
and found cheap thrills, all within budget.
lazed and loafed, and had tonnes of fun.
stayed in singapore quite abit, for the sake of the Poles (http://thepursuitofanurans2.blogspot.com/). Made 42 new friends.


went home more often than i anticipated.

wander war, wonderwall

do,

what makes me less grouchy,

undo what makes the me mean,

inappropriate,

less deserving,

more annoying,

less forgiving,

more allowing,

lest,

compelling and meek.

the power of the meek.

the meekness of power.

i need to learn.

totally,

by facing,

and not backing.

i wish i could run,

and not turn back,

like this chinese proverb Cat taught me when i was an angsty kid,

which i liked so much.

about rainbows and clouds,

about living, 

and leaving no carbon trace,

of the inorganic life, yet of isotopes of that element.

not as common as i want it be to.

boring, 

i rather.

sometimes.

more common than a commoner.

come on,

what's with being common?

not normally, 

but on the same ground.

at least not what that leaves me lying on the floor (T.F., 2008).

'we don't have anything in common' (Anon, n.d.).

complementary could be the other C,

but if 

only if i was more,

compassionate,

i would say,

but i am common,

'come on' (H.I.M.Y.M., date unknown).

it eats me inside out.

to be unable to accept,

the fact that you are like this.

...

i wish i was care-less,

of your careless words,

and say,

i REALLY don't care.

'cos i do.

trapped, like carajitos,

like that stain on that white tee,

conscious might do it.

conscious effort,

for a common ground.

in times, on time

how low? 

how long?

as low. as long. as i shall live.

is it?

ain't it?

can't it?

I am it.

for whom?

till when?

till then, for Him.

I will,

try.

i wont,

give.

down yes,

up no.

it can.

if not,

can it.

lost and insecure,

you found me.

i was lost and now FOUND.

You found me (T.F, 2009)

Bits and pieces of 

The Fray's You Found Me.

"Lost and insecure,

you found me,

lying on the floor.

why you have to wait.

where were you?

just a lil late.

you found me.

In the end, everyone ends alone.

losing her,

the only one whose' ever know.

who am i. 

who i was,

who i wanna be.

early morning,

city breaks.

i have been calling.

years and years and years and years.

you never left me no msges,

you never sent me no letters,

you got some kind of nerves.

taking all i want.

you found me 

lying on the floor.

why'd  you have to wait?

to find me,

to find me"

with disgust, we discuss.

its strange,

its queer,

its amazing,

how appetizing,

it is.

really.

wait,

you'll see.

its here.

now.

fine.

great. 

splendid.

awesome.

nice.

one.

u did it.

again.

but,

nothing,

is new.

indeed.

let me,

think.

wonder.

wander.

bye.

nice to meet you.

see you,

never again.

living with your repented sin

would i have the courage?

would i be able to talk freely about it?

all about repentance,

and the gift of forgiveness,

to be able to say,

i am no longer attached,

to the bondage,

too heavy to bear.

i want to speak one lingua,

i want to live one life,

there is nothing,

nothing that should be hidden.

am i ready?

ok, the question is not about me,

its all about You.

solitude

Boulevard of Broken Dreams. (G.D, 2004)

i realised the meaning of solitude.

when i walk alone along paths,

and it struck me how often we are by ourselves.

the "me" time is essential.

for me.

to me, 

its time we reflect.

walking home one day.

i asked myself,

what do i want in my life?

i looked up the cloudy sky,

and it dawned upon me,

that,

i do not live for myself.

sharks,

i forgot.

like seriously, for that bitsy moment.

in the silence of the night,

i lay and wonder.

i lie and read,

i hopped into slumberland,

almost instantly.

i dream,

i see,

i walk the walk.

i sing the song.

i dream the dream.

and i live the life.

the life, of the unknown.

i take the step of faith,

to live the life,

He wants me to.

i read the book,

i pray the prayer,

i seek to hear,

i listen in the silent nights,

i hide,

i was found,

and now i want to go.

to the place, unknown.

to the people, strangers.

the time, unclocked.

the why and how factor?

just obey.

plus trust.

 

as it is

As time goes,

as history comes,

as the future unveils.

the future, 

the scene, unleashed, like never before.

deja vu,

u thought it was there,

but was it really there?

if life was so.

as it is.

as it goes,

as it comes,

do you think it can pass the test?

the fire test.

there are just some things you know you won't

and those that you have no doubt of.

for the rest, 

it should be left unsaid,

never. ever.

its true,

how fragile everything is.

tough as a shield,

as fragile as one as well.

contradiction.

with a capital C.

Contradiction.

Complexity.

Chaos.

Choices.

Characteristics.

Carelessness,

as if Can, was just a mere (k)not away from Cannot.

Could you pass the ketchup over please?

i need to,

to cover up some of these, chips.

What is that?

i have been thinking lately,

what's that something?

that one thing,

that keeps me thinking.

i dunno,

i might never know,

i might actually find out,

but i have yet to know.

the uncertainty 

the unpredictability

the possibilities

of the unknown,

least to the known.

eh,

but whenever i look at the clouds,

it makes me realise.

the world is not that simple.

the combinations; of happenings,

it can't be chance.

it can't be.

that i am 100% sure.

period.

chance is chance,

an opportunity is golden.

so is silence.

opportunity is therefore silence.

i dunno,

but its true.

a. eulogy.

Eulogy, is defined as "a speech, piece of writing, poem, etc. containing great praise, especially for someone who recently died or stopped working? by the Cambridge dictionary.

I was just thinking,

a eulogy. your eulogy.

my eulogy.

That how something, or more precisely, 

someone's ratings just shoots sky high after taking That last breath.

NTU lost a kid, ( David Widjaja,21)

so did NUS. (Scott Monat, 21)

maybe this has been happening, just left unnoticed.

but, this made me realised.

the person sitting next to you in lecture is a timed-bomb,

the cleaner aunty who smiled to you in the morning,

you lab partner,

the girl who carries this bright orange bag to lectures,

the guy who talks weird,

the class nerd,

your tutorial group mate,

that girl at sports practice,

that fellow in my cca,

my cluster mate who plays the violin horribly,

that AA guy in your cohort,

my friend.

me,

and 

u.

that just left earth, 

i think cherish is one tough nut.

it could be anytime,

anyone,

anywhere,

anyhow,

just for all reasons,

but, we are blunt.

it's just life, 

i guess.

seize, first,

then. think.

write a living eulogy.

one from the heart.

to the one. 

everyone.

for the One.

in peace, u rest

In about 2 days,

On 3rd March, 06,

3 years ago.

a call came, 

......

i knew it was the end.

There was no more return.

She had passed on.

i was lost for words, 

i think i was pale as sheet,

i forgot what happened in between.

then, i was at the parlour.

i heard weeping and mourning.

her mum was devastated.

her siblings tired, and tearful.

i was emotionless,

i dunno, 

but i knew it was hard for her to look at us in our eyes.

why her?

i didnt know how to weep,

i couldnt cry.

i just couldnt enter the data,

that she was gone,

forever.

i dont even remember the last time i saw her.

ok, i think i do now.

i just said a casual hi,

i dont think we actually engaged in an actual conversation.

then a usual bye,

that was it?

yeah. 

now, when i see you,

in your coffin,

flashbacks of what happened in class 2 years back.

we werent particularly close.

but we had tales to tell,

that we will remember if i were to ask you,

did you know u were close?

did you see it coming?

i know, cos we wont know,

and no one's too young,

too young to go,

to young to be left.

cos u weren't even 19.

i wont be seeing you,

even if eternity exist.

and i dont want all friendships to end like this.

i dont want an urn to remember you.

i dont want a photograph,

not even a memory,

because i wish i had told you that something,

that i will see you when i die.

i dunno,

but, 

i am like i was, 3 years back.

the same, 

emotionless and speechless,

from your lost.

rip, pal.

Where did you hide your closet skeleton?

When was the last time you found yourself smiling to yourself, recalling something unspeakable you did?

When was the last time you wished everyone would disappear so you would stop hiding?

What is your dark secret? So dark chocolate switched over to milk.

How low can you go?

How long can you run?

How high can you jump?

How deep can you dive?

How shallow will it all surface to?

I think one night, i will just spill.

Just for old time sake.

I think i need a needle and thread to sew my thoughts,

I need glue or staples, to hold them together,

and definitely, paper, to jot them down,

a ruler, to align them, 

and a stripper, 

to complete the cycle of recycling.

until i do

Its something i do not want to regret when i walk down memory lane.

There are things i wont risk trying, call me a coward, i dont care. Cos you will.

Its not me, its just something i stand by,

If only i could do whatever i like, 

i sensed someone walking into the room, alone and tired. It was a long and tiring day, i didnt look up and say hi, I guess it was not the best time. the fear of approach versus the sight from afar. That night, I went back, yet another undefeated battle. I knew things will remain as it is, as long as i don't budge. To me, time will reveal.

Am i bad at taking hints or am i living in denial? I know this is impossible, as far as my finite mind tells me, and my principles remind me. But, why this? why am i caught in this situation? Where turning back is not the key, neither is stopping here. I thought life has brought me this far, and i am not totally clueless. But this suspense is getting me thinking, about what was I really thinking.

Ok, I think i am being overly concern over this. But this unpredictability is making me nervous, even at the slightest move. What if things aren't as simple? Will i be able to look at you the way i do now, in say 2 years down the road?

Sharks, I hate you already. See, I told you i can't do this. If only things never even started.

Welcome to my troubled thoughts, and corrupted mind.

The day i die.

Good Charlotte wrote "The day I die", they quoted, it was the best day of my life.

Lifehouse wrote about a friend dying, "From where you are"

I think i wanna ramble about losing a loved one,

from earth.

It's a taboo,

It triggers the cornea tap,

It makes emotions fly all around the place.

The lost of a dear friend, anyone dear,

It's painful, it eats you inside out.

It makes you cry your eyes dry,

It makes you so tired from weeping,

It makes you wonder, 

why me?

why am i left behind,

I promised a friend i will not cry at her funeral,

'cos she swear she will come back (to life) to force tears out of my glands,

if only, yeah right.

The departure of someone close,

to see them in a coffin,

to see them motionless,

to stare so hard,

hoping that you will be the one screaming,

I SWEAR I SAW HIM/HER MOVE,

He/She is not dead,

And the mourning and the crying,

it makes me so weak,

it makes me drenched, with my own tears,

But, i guess knowing DEATH is temporary helps,

We know and believe that,

they are now residents of a better place,

if only they could leave a number for us to call,

the answering machine will go,

          Heavenlo, (instead of HELLo,)

          God's residence, can i help you?

Life on earth is temporary,

There's more to life than life on earth,

oh, yeah. eternity.

Where do you want to spend your eternal life?

Hey, come let me hold the door for you,